You can't motivate someone who can't hear you.
If what you're saying is bouncing off their psychological armor, it makes little difference how good you are at saying it. You are not being heard. Your people have to hear you to be moved by you.
In order for someone to hear you, she must first be heard. It doesn't work the other way around. It doesn't work when you always go first. Because your employee must first appreciate that you are on her wavelength and understand her thinking completely.
As leadership guru Warren Bennis has said, "The first rule in any kind of coaching is that the coach has to engage in deep listening. Which means that the coach must relate to the context in which the 'other' is reasoning—they must 'tune in' to where the other is coming from. In short, perhaps the basis of leadership is the capacity of the leader to change the mind-set, the framework of the other. That's not easy, as I needn't tell you for most of us, thinking that we have tuned in to the other person, usually are listening most intently to ourselves."
We were working with a financial services CEO named Lance who had difficulties with his four-woman major account team. They didn't care for him and didn't trust him
and dreaded every meeting with him as he would go over their shortcomings.
Lance was at his wit's end and asked for coaching.
"Meet with each of them one at a time," we advised.
"What do I say?"
"Say nothing. Just listen."
"Listen to what?"
"The person across from you."
"What's my agenda?"
"No agenda."
"What do I ask them?"
"How is life? How is life for you in this company? What would you change?"
"Then what?"
"Then just listen."
"I don't know if I could do that."
The source of his major account team's low morale had just been identified. The rest was up to Lance.
Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.
—George S. Patton
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